Disagree
If You Must

 

To Respectfully Disagree

Rev. Andrew JJ Paton

"Stop shouting at me!" replied the boy during his mom's discipline. It was a revelation, because she hadn't been raising her voice at all.

Most children equate disagreement with their actions as an attack. I wonder if we ever grow out of that.

A young man in our previous congregation embraced a lifestyle that we believed was contrary to the boundaries in Scripture. He kept telling of how people at church had become hostile towards him. It perplexed me because we'd spent so much time teaching members how to love.

It turned out that he was unable to see the difference between ardent disagreement with what he was doing and love for him as a person. He was saying, "I am what I do. If you don't accept my actions you reject me."

Clear thinking on this matter is vital in a country that values free speech. America should, of all places be the land where we can respectfully disagree. Any time you decide on a moral stand and embrace it with deep conviction you will meet people who oppose your views. They'll do it with much zeal.

It's what happens next that's important to God.

A long serving local clergyman wrote: "The scripture calls us to admonish errant brothers and sisters in love and respect not treating them as enemies. It is important for believers to learn to face what they know is wrong, and therefore cannot accept, with love and gentleness."

He reminds me of the old hymn with its sage advice: "Though they are slighting Him still God is waiting...Plead with them earnestly, plead with them gently."

Being able to argue earnestly and gently at the same time is a hallmark of the mature character. There's place for emotions in a plea for what's right, but emotions out of control as harmful as derailed logic.

Here are a few rules for contending over an issue:

Look the person in the eye most, if not all the time to keep reminding yourself that behind those eyes is a person as real as you are.

Avoid caricatures and labels for you don't know how much hurtful emotion the person you are addressing already attaches to those.

Think healing - not contest, because the latter demands immediate resolution of the issue under discussion - the former suggests a process.

Most of us come to deeper levels of truth by gradual abandonment of erroneous ideas.

President Bush once quoted Jesus to some journalists when he replied to a question: "We're all sinners and I caution those who may try to take a speck out of their neighbor's eye when they've got a log in their own."

This is the finest admonition on interpersonal relationships. We are here to help each other get morally back on track, but the danger of hypocrisy is ever with us.

Any effort you make to correct behavior in others will immediately test your level of humility. If you fail that test its most likely that your advice will fail too.

Whenever you disagree with another do it with utmost respect. You don't want to be in the position where one might remark:

"What you are is shouting so loud that I can't hear what you are saying."

Be aware though, that however meekly you voice opposition to anything that society approves but the bible censures, there will be an angry backlash.

There's much to be said for speaking the truth in love. To say you love someone and refrain from conveying a concern about what you perceive to be detrimental speech or action is foolishness. You owe everyone a debt of love. A song of the 60s says:

"I am loved. I can risk loving you, because I am loved."

King Solomon commented that the kisses of an enemy are deceitful but the wounds a friend inflicts are out of faithfulness.

The truth might sometimes hurt, but if the motives behind uttering it are selfish it will do even greater harm.

Disagree if it's called for, but always do it with tender consideration.